Okay..So here I go – Its been awhile since I last actually wrote down my “feelings” or whatever and I’ve actually been dreading starting this because truthfully I don’t know where to start or how to begin.
Right now, in this moment, I feel like my life is falling apart as I know it, like someone, out there is purposely trying to make me surfer or cast misery a pond me and I know that sounds dramatic but it’s not, it really isn’t. It’s like every time something goes right in my life, there’s an event, something, someone that turns it around. It makes me wonder am I not capable of being happy? Its not like I’m constantly sad but sometimes I feel like it’s an effort, okay, a lot of the time it’s a effort for happiness.
And now just rereading that last paragraph has made me all anxious about starting this blog up again because quite frankly I don’t need a document telling me how sad and miserable I am – cause I already know it.
So I’m at uni today – exam timetable release. I have to admit it’s pretty crazy I think but I’m not stressed about it which is making me worried because I should be stressed it’s my last semester. Truthfully, I think I would go insane if it wasn’t for my uni because I need my mine not to wonder, I need to stay focused on something and let the other things diminish as a one second thought for the fear that I will waste time and hence go back to study. There is one particular thing that is brothering me this morning and it’s kind of major, okay, okay, replace major with potentially can ruin my entire life! And seriously, that is not an exaggeration! I think that’s a perfectly accurate statement of things that have unravelled and I don’t know what I should do. Uni is the ONLY thing that is holding me together at this moment and the idea, the hope, the belief that it will pass, but it won’t, yes that’s the sad truth it won’t. Hoping I will forget this but it will constantly be in the back of my mind, questioning it, wondering, pondering, hoping and PRAYING this will not come back to bit in the ass. I’ve decided to go to church to pray for this, yes on a Tuesday morning I will go to church and beg! For this! Apparently there is a small church in Randwick that is within walking distance and I already asked Danica yesterday and she said she was going anyways.
Okay Danica is now coming to met me here for a group assessment so I better go..