Close your eyes and you'll wake up in a different world

Ever had the feeling you've traveled far in time and didn't realize it?
Everything seems normal, but its not.
Ever had the feeling that there's a cover-up in the mists.
The same feeling you get when you think your forgetting something but you don't know what it is and then you say your just being paranoid.

I'm at the stage where i have realized its not paranoia. Somethings wrong, i can feel it, i can sense it, and yet i don't know what it is.

Your angry at me, and I know it. But why, I don't know why. Tell me why.

I'm sitting in a room, fill with people, talking, laughing. Suddenly the lights goes out, all is quite. You know who has turned the lights off, but you just just don't know why.

Your a coward

abrupt confusion

"what you dong tonight? come past"
"nah, can't, gotta go to my mates place... (mumbles)....my mates coming past"
"oh okay..whos this"
"huh? err....just a mate...um...haha"
"well does this mate have a name?"
"err....um....errr....*mumbles*"

what a loser...total and utter loser.
fabrication or secret hiding? no matter, cause i will find out, i always do. its funny how its convenient for you to ask and interrogate me for answers, but you seem to think that it is just and dignified to provide me with ambiguous responses.

you know i have wondered perhaps you say this because you have no friends? no life? just the loser, the loser that i think of you right now.

i hate arrogant people, think they are always right, never, for the slightest second want to see the other persons perspective. i always try to see other side.

if you have a problem - ill try to help you,
if your bored - ill talk to you,
if your sad - ill try to make you laugh.

but you, you just shit me sometimes.
your arrogance,
your complete neglect for others around you,
your selfish views,
your sly tactics,
you over think,
you over analyze,

i talk, i speak, you give nothing,
i trust, i believe, you give nothing,

-

Recently had an argument with a friend.
Began to think who was at fault, and I concluded it is well and truly mine.

fights...
you have them with your mum, your dad, brother, sister, boyfriend or girlfriend, friends and extended family.
Human nature - to disagree and clash. An everyday occurrence.
But why do you move on? Because at the end of the day, life is better with them then without- there worth it.
Perhaps this is the foundation of forgiveness in many of the above cases.

Recently you asked me to forgive you. And when you asked me, I gave it, without a seconds hesitation, moved on, forgot and attempted to be normal. I really did.

Funny how you didn't bestow the same courtesy in return

perhaps im not worth it? yeah maybe....

very bad day.
walked out of an exam 20 minutes after walking in

im to nice,
i trust in people too much - give them my secrets,
i don't lie (about the important stuff),
i give and share my possessions

i guess when i don't get what i give in return i get upset.


my wish for tomorrow: realization of what has been said today

Refusal to sleep

So it seems my body is not allowing me to sleep. I have sat in my bed since I go home from work almost 4 hours ago and nothing.... I have researched Christmas gifts from my mum on the net, I have read a book and since returned to the net and still, nothing...
Seems to be a common occurance this past week or so, sleeping late and waking up even later.
I'm desperately trying to get some sleep so look half decent when I have lunch with Mad tomorrow, I think we meeting in Bondi, where she works now. Which reminds me that I have to give her money for the Coldplay concert. Speaking of money, had to re-arrange QLD, resulting in me having 2 sets of tickets because i couldnt get a refund - a headache!
but no matter!, as it happens my sister will be in QLD with some of my cousins the day that I was originally meet to return, which means that I shall crash her hotel and ditch the others for an extra 2 days and return on the original flight home! This means I have to fly alone!
What a sad story if the plan crahes - Happy Holiday(er) dies alone!

Robs 21st on Friday, question is, should I go? Being a friday it would mean I have to take the day off from work, which i would normally do, but seeing as though i have an exam next thursday, i intend on taking the wednesday before off. i have not started to study for next thursday! i have already technically finished uni, but this kind professor is letting me retake the exam to improve my final results, being only a 50.
speaking of uni, just finished summer school last friday.

have been reading...alot. managed to finished the last 3 harry potter books, to kill a mocking bird and some religious biography - which was surprisingly interesting. so anyway i begin twilight soon, im going to buy the books either tomorrow or the day after.

i remember i once got a criticism that my writing was more of a recount of day events than of a dairy. so i guess this is the part where i start talking about my "feelings". ..
I feel alone and empty, pointless. I don't know where im going and i dont know where i am. stuck in the same place i was 3 years ago. although i feel a lot better after walking away from my degree i still feel resentment towards it.
i regert....alot, i regert what i didn't do and what i continue not to do rather then what i have done. but the thing is, i dont know what i do want to do
i feel i havent reached my potential and instead of "doing", im wasting my days away
my pessimistic views of my self just make things worse
the truth is, im sad, and i dont know why.

my wish for tomorrow: happiness

Okay..So here I go – Its been awhile since I last actually wrote down my “feelings” or whatever and I’ve actually been dreading starting this because truthfully I don’t know where to start or how to begin.
Right now, in this moment, I feel like my life is falling apart as I know it, like someone, out there is purposely trying to make me surfer or cast misery a pond me and I know that sounds dramatic but it’s not, it really isn’t. It’s like every time something goes right in my life, there’s an event, something, someone that turns it around. It makes me wonder am I not capable of being happy? Its not like I’m constantly sad but sometimes I feel like it’s an effort, okay, a lot of the time it’s a effort for happiness.
And now just rereading that last paragraph has made me all anxious about starting this blog up again because quite frankly I don’t need a document telling me how sad and miserable I am – cause I already know it.
So I’m at uni today – exam timetable release. I have to admit it’s pretty crazy I think but I’m not stressed about it which is making me worried because I should be stressed it’s my last semester. Truthfully, I think I would go insane if it wasn’t for my uni because I need my mine not to wonder, I need to stay focused on something and let the other things diminish as a one second thought for the fear that I will waste time and hence go back to study. There is one particular thing that is brothering me this morning and it’s kind of major, okay, okay, replace major with potentially can ruin my entire life! And seriously, that is not an exaggeration! I think that’s a perfectly accurate statement of things that have unravelled and I don’t know what I should do. Uni is the ONLY thing that is holding me together at this moment and the idea, the hope, the belief that it will pass, but it won’t, yes that’s the sad truth it won’t. Hoping I will forget this but it will constantly be in the back of my mind, questioning it, wondering, pondering, hoping and PRAYING this will not come back to bit in the ass. I’ve decided to go to church to pray for this, yes on a Tuesday morning I will go to church and beg! For this! Apparently there is a small church in Randwick that is within walking distance and I already asked Danica yesterday and she said she was going anyways.
Okay Danica is now coming to met me here for a group assessment so I better go..